A quote from Thomas Merton that makes me pause and self-reflect:

"The beginning of love is to let those we love to be perfectly themselves and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

I have much to learn about this act called 'love.'

I'm reading this book, The Road to Daybreak, by Henri J.M. Nouwen. It's his journal entries from a portion of his spiritual journey. I read a part of it this morning that really spoke to me... or at least is still stirring within me. I will share that passage here:

Pg. 22: Leaving Harvard, Monday, Sept./9 by Henri Nouwen

"My decision to leave Harvard was a difficult one. For many months I was not sure if I would be following or betraying my vocation by leaving. The outer voices kept saying, "You can do so much good here. People need you!" The inner voices kept saying, "What good is it to preach the Gospel to others while losing your own soul?" Finally, I realized that my increasing inner darkness, my feelings of being rejected by some of my students, colleagues, friends, and even God, my inordinate need for affirmation and affection, and my deep sense of not belonging were clear signs that I was not following the way of God's spirit. The fruits of the spirit are not sadness, loneliness, and separation, but joy, solitude, and community. After I decided to leave Harvard, I was surprised that it had taken me so long to come to that decision. As soon as I left, I felt so much inner freedom, so much joy and new energy, that I could look back on my former life as a prison in which I had locked myself."

Sometimes I'm bombarded with so many different thoughts and feelings. Different things remind me of a plethora of different...things. It's like sensory over-load. Like any functioning organism that is over-loaded, I begin to break down. The intensity and unexpected arrival of the overload somehow affects the extent of the break down. But God is good. The life he has asked me to live is tough, and sometimes it really is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for me to surrender to Him. But He is good.

I learned something at the Artisan church in Rochester that Phil and I go to a couple of times a month. I learned meditative praying. I tried it with Psalm 19:14 and it works real well. You should try it:

Okay, say each line and synchronize it with your breathing. Just follow what I wrote:

[Breath-in]  May the words of my mouth

[Breath out]  and the meditation of my heart

[Breath-in]  be pleasing to you

[Breath out]  O Lord, my rock and my redemmer.

Okay, now say it over and over and really concentrate on the prayer.

 The hard thing about love is that you give a person the ability to rip every single part of your insides, leaving you empty and spent.

...And then, there's no guarantee that you could ever be put back together, not in this life anyway.

I am excited about Christmas break!  I get to go to my favorite city in the US, that I've ever been to: Portland! I'm also excited to get some time off work. I think I need to re-charge, to be away from my students, away from the Academy, away from Houghton. Sometimes it's difficult to always give 100%, or close to that anyways, because then we get tired and need to recuperate. I still need to learn how to recuperate while giving 100%. Maybe I just need to remember that I am human and I have limitations, I can't be God and able to do everything perfectly all the time.

So I'm glad about Christmas break...